515 One Liners + FACTS

1. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
2. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
3. 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
4. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
5. A bad plan is better than no plan.
6. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
9. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
10. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
11. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
12. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
13. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
14. A good pun is its own reword.
15. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
16. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
17. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
18. A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
19. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
20. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
21. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
22. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
23. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
24. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
25. "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." — Joseph Stalin
26. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
27. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
28. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
29. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
30. A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
31. A witty saying proves nothing.
32. According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
33. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
34. Adult: One old enough to know better.
35. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
36. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
37. All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
38. All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
39. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
40. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
41. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
42. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
43. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
44. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
45. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
46. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
47. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
48. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
49. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
50. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
51. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
52. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
53. Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
54. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
55. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
56. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
57. Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
58. Attitude determines your altitude.
59. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
60. Bad spellers of the world untie!
61. Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
62. Batteries not included.
63. Be good - and if you can’t be good, be careful.
64. Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
65. Be naughty - save Santa the trip.
66. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
67. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
68. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
69. Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
70. Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
71. Best viewed on my computer.
72. Better late than really late.
73. Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
74. Biology grows on you.
75. Blonds may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
76. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
77. Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
78. Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
79. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
80. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
81. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
82. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
83. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
84. Clones are people two.
85. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
86. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
87. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
88. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
89. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
90. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
91. Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
92. Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
93. Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
94. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
95. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
96. Does the noise in my head bother you?
97. Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
98. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
99. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
100. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
101. Don’t believe everything you think.
102. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
103. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
104. Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.
105. Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
106. Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
107. Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
108. Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
109. Drive defensively - buy a tank.
110. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
111. Dyslexics have more fnu.
112. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
113. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
114. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
115. Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
116. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
117. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
118. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
119. Elevators smell different to midgets.
120. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
121. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
122. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
123. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
124. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
125. Every solution breeds new problems.
126. "Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit." — Mike Tyson
127. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
128. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
129. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
130. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
131. Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
132. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
133. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
134. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
135. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
136. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
137. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
138. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
139. Failure is not an option - it’s a lifestyle.
140. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
141. Failure teaches success.
142. Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
143. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
144. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
145. For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
146. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
147. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
148. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
149. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
150. Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
151. Friendly fire - isn’t.
152. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
153. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
154. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
155. Frog blast the vent core!
156. Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in kansas anymore.
157. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
158. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
159. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
160. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
161. God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
162. God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
163. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
164. "Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds." — Albert Einstein
165. Half the people you know are below average.
166. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
167. Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
168. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
169. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
170. Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
171. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
172. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
173. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
174. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
175. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
176. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
177. I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
178. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
179. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
180. I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
181. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
182. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
183. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
184. I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
185. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
186. I doubt, therefore I might be.
187. I drink to make other people interesting.
188. I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
189. "I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" — Tom Clancy
190. I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
191. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
192. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
193. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
194. I only drink to make other people more sociable.
195. I prefer old age to the alternative.
196. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
197. "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." — Peter Kaye
198. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
199. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
200. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
201. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
202. I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
203. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
204. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
205. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
206. I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
207. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
208. I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
209. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
210. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
211. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
212. If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
213. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
214. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
215. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
216. If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
217. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
218. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
219. If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
220. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
221. If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
222. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
223. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
224. If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
225. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
226. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
227. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
228. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
229. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
230. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
231. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
232. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
233. If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
234. "If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later." — Dave Dunseath
235. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
236. If it can go wrong it probably already has.
237. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
238. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
239. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
240. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
241. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
242. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
243. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
244. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
245. If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
246. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
247. If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
248. If you are going through hell, keep going.
249. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
250. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
251. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
252. If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
253. If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
254. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
255. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
256. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
257. If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
258. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
259. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
260. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
261. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
262. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
263. If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
264. If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
265. If you’re happy, you’re successful.
266. If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
267. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
268. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
269. In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
270. "In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them." — Johann von Neumann
271. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." — Charles, Count Talleyrand
272. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
273. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
274. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
275. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
276. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
277. It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
278. It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
279. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
280. It’s like deja vu all over again.
281. It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
282. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
283. It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
284. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
285. I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
286. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
287. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
288. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
289. Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
290. Learn from your parents’ mistakes - use birth control.
291. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
292. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
293. Life exists for no known purpose.
294. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
295. Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
296. Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
297. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
298. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
299. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
300. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
301. Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
302. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
303. Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
304. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
305. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
306. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
307. Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
308. Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
309. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
310. Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
311. Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
312. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
313. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
314. Monday is the root of all evil.
315. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
316. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
317. Most people don’t act stupid - it’s the real thing.
318. Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
319. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
320. Never buy a car you can’t push.
321. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
322. Never eat yellow snow.
323. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
324. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
325. Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
326. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
327. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
328. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
329. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
330. Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
331. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
332. "Never waste a lie when the truth will do." — Jack Clancy
333. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
334. No good deed goes unpunished.
335. No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
336. No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
337. No-one suspects the butterfly!
338. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
339. Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
340. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
341. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
342. Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
343. Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
344. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
345. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
346. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
347. Only dead fish go with the flow.
348. Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
349. Only users lose drugs.
350. Optimist: Someone without much experience.
351. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
352. Pretend to spank me - I’m a pseudo-masochist!
353. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
354. Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
355. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
356. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
357. Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
358. Rehab is for quitters.
359. Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
360. "Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." — Joss Whedon
361. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
362. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
363. Save water - take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
364. Send lawyers, guns and money!
365. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
366. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
367. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
368. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
369. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
370. Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
371. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
372. Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
373. Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
374. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
375. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
376. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
377. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
378. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
379. Spelling is a lossed art.
380. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
381. "Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." — Heinlein
382. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
383. Sure, when… - oink flap oink flap - well I’ll be darned!
384. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
385. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
386. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
387. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
388. The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
389. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
390. The best things in life aren’t things.
391. The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
392. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
393. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
394. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
395. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
396. The future will be better tomorrow.
397. The Killer Ducks are coming!
398. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
399. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
400. The only certain thing in life is death.
401. The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
402. The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
403. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
404. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
405. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
406. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
407. The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
408. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
409. The revolution will not be televised.
410. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
411. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
412. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
413. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
414. The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
415. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
416. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
417. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
418. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
419. The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
420. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
421. There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
422. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
423. There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can’t.
424. There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
425. There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
426. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
427. There is no time like the pleasant.
428. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
429. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
430. They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
431. They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
432. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
433. This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
434. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
435. This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
436. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
437. Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
438. To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
439. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
440. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
441. To err is hunam.
442. To generalize is to be an idiot.
443. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
444. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
445. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
446. Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
447. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
448. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
449. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
450. Too much of everything is just enough.
451. Tracers work both ways.
452. Trying is failing with honors.
453. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
454. Unix is user friendly - it’s just picky about it’s friends.
455. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
456. Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
457. Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
458. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
459. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
460. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
461. Wasting time is an important part of living.
462. We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
463. We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
464. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
465. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
466. Welcome what you can’t avoid.
467. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
468. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
469. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
470. Whatever happens, ignore it all.
471. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
472. When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
473. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
474. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
475. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
476. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
477. When in doubt empty the magazine.
478. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
479. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
480. When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
481. When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
482. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
483. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
484. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
485. When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
486. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
487. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
488. While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
489. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
490. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
491. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
492. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
493. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
494. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
495. With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
496. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
497. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
498. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
499. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
500. Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
501. Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
502. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
503. You can observe a lot just by watching.
504. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
505. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
506. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
507. You don’t have to explain something you never said.
508. You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
509. You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.
510. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
511. You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
512. You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
513. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
514. You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
515. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.